Being a relative of an alcoholic or in the close circle of someone struggling with addiction is very challenging . The alcoholic will often drag those closest to him, you, into what feels like an uncontrollable roller coaster. Relatives of alcoholics often struggle with feelings such as powerlessness, despair, emotional stress , fear and worry . Many struggle with feelings of shame. They believe they should be able to motivate the alcoholic to seek help, to accept the help that is offered.
As a relative, you may experience both shame and psychological strain related to the alcoholic’s problem, and it can be difficult to talk openly about the situation.
Substance abuse problems affect not only the person who drinks, but the entire family and the entire life situation. It is important to recognize that this is a problem that can cause psychological challenges for both adults and children, and that everyone in the family can experience various forms of shame, fear and insecurity.
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Cohabitation, family relationships and alcoholism
Being married to an alcoholic, having other family relationships, friends with substance abuse problems or experiencing a colleague or employee getting drunk are all very challenging situations. At the same time, relatives of alcoholics know that relationships with others are very important. Therefore, you are torn between maintaining the relationship, maintaining the relationship and protecting yourself. Parents who drink can create major problems for the children, and the children can be exposed to both neglect, arguments and violence in the home. The sad thing is, of course, that the alcoholic himself has no desire to lose the relationships, but the bottle will eventually take up all the space .
The result is that you, as a relative of an alcoholic, are left watching as someone you love slowly disappears. Replaced by a person controlled only by their addiction. This new person, the alcoholic, has no self-awareness and can barely understand how their abuse affects others. As a result, days and weeks are filled with desperate arguments. If alcohol abuse leads to violence or other serious problems in the family, it is especially important to seek help to protect the children.
You try to reach out to the drug addict , to get him or her to admit the problem and, not least, to get help. Every now and then there are some glimmers of light that make you continue, that you persevere. Maybe your boyfriend promises to drink less. Or maybe your dad goes to rehab . Unfortunately, this rarely succeeds the first time , maybe not even the tenth time. Nevertheless, these small glimmers of hope, the small points of light, will be enough for you as a relative to feel hope. Enough for you to continue to fight, to stand in the conflict. Maybe it will succeed next time?
Relatives must take care of themselves and their own identity
Addiction is a disease. Therefore, it is easy to become completely absorbed in the situation you find yourself in. Everything is about hiding, helping or supporting the alcoholic. Gradually, it becomes difficult to remember who you are, what you like to do and what your interests are. All too often we see relatives lose themselves and are dragged far too far into abuse. Therefore, we want to encourage you to make demands on both the alcoholic, on yourself and, not least, on the support system.
We also recommend that you actively seek information to better understand the situation and your own needs. You must decide whether you can continue to live that way.
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Handling crises as a relative
When you are in the midst of a crisis as a relative of an alcoholic, it can feel overwhelming and lonely. It is important to remember that you also have needs that need to be met, even though much of the focus is often on the person struggling with alcohol. Taking care of yourself is about acknowledging your own feelings and needs, and not putting them aside. Talk to someone you trust – it could be friends, family or professionals – and share what you are experiencing. Often, putting your situation and feelings into words can provide both relief and new perspectives.
Don’t be afraid to seek help and support from others, and remember that there is good advice and guidance available to you as a relative. Taking care of yourself is not selfish, but absolutely necessary to be able to cope with a difficult situation over time.
Alcoholism and working life
Alcoholism not only affects the home and family, but can also have major consequences in the workplace. Many who struggle with alcohol experience challenges such as lost productivity, increased absenteeism and errors at work, which in the worst case can lead to job loss. It is therefore important that both employers and colleagues are aware of signs of alcohol problems , and that there are routines and support systems in the workplace. Companies should offer guidance, help and support to employees who are struggling, to reduce the negative consequences that alcoholism can have on both the individual and the work environment. Openness and access to counseling or support groups can make a big difference for employees who need help to deal with the challenges related to drugs and alcohol.
Building a support network
For relatives of an alcoholic, it is crucial to have a good support network around you. This can be friends, family, support groups or professionals who can help you through the difficult times. Sharing your thoughts and feelings with others who understand the situation can provide both comfort and good advice. There are many different support groups and organizations that offer help and support to relatives, and it can be valuable to find someone to talk to who has been through similar challenges.
Don’t be afraid to reach out to others – building a network of people who can support you makes it easier to cope and take care of yourself and your family. Find those who can give you good advice and support, and remember that you are not alone.
7 good advice for relatives of an alcoholic
We at Therapy Watch have extensive experience helping relatives of people struggling with addiction. Based on our experience, we have created a list of seven pieces of advice for relatives, which we hope will help.
1. Never argue with a drunk person
Remember, it’s the alcohol that’s talking. Don’t expect rationality, you’re no longer talking to the person you knew. It’s important to know what signs and symptoms to look for , to understand the state of the addict.
2. Don’t think you can change the alcoholic
As a relative of an alcoholic, you can help the alcoholic get treatment and stay motivated. At the same time, it is important to be aware that you are not to blame for this situation. The alcoholic must choose to accept treatment. You cannot force the person to stop using drugs or drinking.
3. You never agree on the severity
An alcoholic is often good at talking for himself and is especially good at downplaying the impact of alcohol on his life and yours. You will never get an alcoholic to admit to the problem, which is why he needs treatment.
4. Hit, but no further
You need to set your own boundaries. Relatives of alcoholics often feel pressured to break their own boundaries. Therefore, it is important that you figure out how far you are willing to go and set your own boundaries.
5. Take responsibility for vulnerable people in your circle of friends
As a relative of an alcoholic, you have a responsibility to protect children living at home or others who are particularly vulnerable. Addiction, whether it is drugs or alcohol, leads to impaired judgment and a lack of ability to care.
There are also free help services for children and other vulnerable people affected by substance abuse problems.
6. Get help and support for yourself
Being a caregiver is a burden and can take a toll on your mental and physical health. You have the right and responsibility to seek professional help and support. The challenges you face as a caregiver must be taken seriously. If you feel overwhelmed or need support, you should seek help from professionals or support groups.
7. It is okay to give an ultimatum
When you set limits on what you as a caregiver can tolerate, you also have to give yourself permission to issue an ultimatum. If you can’t live with the drinking or substance abuse, you have to put your foot down. You have to give the alcoholic a clear message that either they accept professional help or you will end the relationship. It is also possible to take this step with a targeted intervention.
This is my story as a former drug addict that I hope can give you as a relative , friend or colleague hope that freedom from drugs and a life filled with joy and meaning is possible without the use of drugs. Once my mother understood what was needed, things ended well in the end, but it required her to ask for help and guidance.
Help for relatives and the alcoholic – is treatment necessary?
It is almost impossible to get rid of an addiction on your own. Many alcoholics will claim, time and time again, that they manage to stop completely on their own. In reality, they need help. Both the alcoholic and their relatives. Often it is you who forces the start of such treatment. At the same time, as we pointed out above, it is not your fault if you are unable to get the person in question to seek treatment.
When you come to treatment, it is important to demand that you and any other relatives also get help . Being a relative of an alcoholic who is struggling with such a serious illness is really tough. Much tougher than many people imagine. Often the reaction comes when treatment has begun and the situation calms down a bit.
There are help services you can contact by phone if you need support or someone to talk to.
Here you can read about our treatment options for alcohol addiction . We offer discreet and private treatment from your own home. There are also various treatment options within family and relationships, so that the whole family can receive support.
We hope to hear from you. Please read more or contact us for more information about our assistance offerings.
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Frequently asked questions and answers about relatives of alcoholics
How do I talk to an alcoholic without creating conflict?
The most important thing is to maintain a calm and respectful tone. Talk about how you personally experience the situation, rather than criticizing or blaming. Choose a time when the person is sober, and focus on the fact that you are concerned and want to understand – not control or judge. Use short, clear sentences and be patient if there is rejection at first.
What are the signs that I have become too influenced by my alcohol problem?
If you spend a lot of energy trying to control, cover up, or save situations, it may be a sign that you have become too involved. Feelings such as constant worry, exhaustion, sadness, or shame are common in caregivers. Many forget about themselves and put their own needs aside in an attempt to help.
How can I help without taking over responsibility?
You can show support and care, but it is important to let the alcoholic take responsibility for their own choices and consequences. Set clear boundaries for what you can do, and let the person experience the consequences of their own actions. Helping them to help themselves is always more sustainable than trying to fix everything for them.
When should I seek professional help as a relative?
When you feel drained, alone in the situation, or unsure of what to do, it’s smart to seek help. Therapists, support groups, or counseling for relatives can provide you with both support and tools to cope with the situation without losing yourself.
How do I make the alcoholic understand that they need help?
Often the alcoholic has to come to terms with it themselves, but you can help by being honest about how the situation is affecting you and your family. Be clear but respectful, and offer help finding treatment when the person is ready. Avoid pressure and ultimatums, but show that you set limits on what you can accept.
